When you are entering into a relationship with a gestational surrogate, it is undeniable that you will face some awkward moments. While this person is going to do something quite intimate and special for you, that relationship isn’t going to forge itself overnight. Instead, you need to treat it with care and cultivate it like you would any other relationship in your life.
You need to take steps towards nurturing what can be a lifelong, lasting relationship. While these 9-months will fly by, there are times when you will need the support of your surrogate – and she will need your support at all times. Here are a few ways we have seen that help you to forge a relationship with your surrogate:
1. Come Prepared To Discussions
If you are waiting in a doctor’s office for a meeting, you might feel the seconds ticking by slowly because you don’t have anything to say to your surrogate. There is a way to decrease this awkwardness by coming prepared with conversation starters. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, so ask your surrogate appropriate questions about who she is and what she does apart from being a surrogate. This will help your surrogate to feel like a person and not just a walking womb.
It is helpful to ask about neutral topics such as her hobbies and interests. You want to stay away from anything that is even slightly controversial, such as politics or religion.
2. Talk About Your Existing Family
Talking about your family, whether it is just you with the support of your best friends or a large extended family that is ready to offer you plenty of advice, can help your surrogate to see that she has a support system that she doesn’t even know. Talk about your pets, neighbors, friends, coworkers, or anything else that comes to mind. Paint a picture for your surrogate of the home that your baby will come to; if your surrogate sees that you have support, no matter how you are doing this, she will likely open up a bit more.
3. Consider Keeping a Journal
You are already asking your surrogate to do a lot for you, so you want to be careful about asking her to do anything else. However, one thing you might want to do is ask your surrogate to write just a few lines in a journal every so often. This will allow her to get her feelings out and feel like she is an essential part of the process once she has the baby.
If she doesn’t feel comfortable doing so, don’t push her. However, many women will gladly write a few lines. You can even share a journal if you wish – allowing her to read your thoughts may make her more comfortable.
4. Show Her You Are Thinking About Her
Did your surrogate mention that she loves watermelons? Or maybe that she is an avid reader? If you see something small that you want to pick up to take to an appointment, do so. While you shouldn’t feel the obligation to do anything above and beyond, you may wish just to show her you are thinking about her in some small way.
It can be as small as printing something out that you read on the internet or getting her a gift certificate for a massage at the local spa.
5. Ensure Her You’ll Be a Good Parent
Many surrogates are just as nervous as you are – and one of the worries they have, even if they don’t admit it, is that they are bringing a baby into a world where his or her parents won’t appreciate the relationship. While you may think that going through this process is enough to prove that you will be a good parent, that isn’t always the case.
Show your surrogate that you are doing the work – talk about videos you’ve watched, books you’ve read, or the gear you’ve purchased. While you don’t want to make this every single one of your conversations, you want to prove that you are ready for a baby whenever he or she may come.
Of course, the best way to form a relationship is to work with a surrogate that feels supported, motivated, and taken care of at all times. At EDSI, we ensure that your surrogate is healthy, happy, and capable of carrying your child. Even more importantly, we work to foster relationships that will benefit everyone involved. If you are ready to get started and find your ideal surrogate, or if you are prepared to devote some of your time and abilities to an intended family, contact us today to begin the process.